Recently, I posted a photo of myself (see featured photo for context) on FB with flowers and balloons that my boyfriend gave me me for our 1 year anniversary. The very first comment came from a “friend” whom I don’t know personally.  Despite the fact that I don’t even know him and that his comment had absolutely nothing to do with the content of the post, this person (we’ll just call him “Dick” to spare his identity) felt the need to announce to me and the rest of FB, using a derogatory term, that he thought my stomach was too fat.

First off, I had to look up the term because apparently, I don’t keep up with all the latest online insults that some humans hide behind while conveniently avoiding the consequences of the damage their thoughtless words do to others.  Secondly, I don’t think this poor guy realized how much he was saying about himself with his ignorant and reckless comment.  So, to save us both further embarrassment, I deleted his comment.

I often have a hard time believing that people actually make comments like this, especially grown ass men who know better.  But I was quickly reminded that we all have our own work to do. 

The 20 year old version of me would have felt destroyed by this comment.  Thankfully, I was not inclined to take it personally or to feel concerned for what a total stranger thinks of my body.  HOWEVER…it still just felt plain mean and unnecessary.  In one sense, I didn’t want to give it any energy.  But what was quickly being revealed to me was that this scenario really isn’t about me.

This is about all of us.

It is comments like this that highlights the level of entitlement that some men (and women too) feel in thinking that females owe the world a certain measure of beauty and perfection simply for others’ entertainment.  

I am more upset on behalf of my daughters and other young women I love and admire who have grown up with unattainable images of beauty crammed down their necks, literally every time their eyes are open.  And it isn’t just young women.  We older women are bombarded with it too and it can be equally intense because we know we live in a society that tries to discard women who have lost their good looks and youthful bodies.  

I’m 56 years old for God’s sakes and I’d be lying if I said this shit doesn’t still fuck me up sometimes, despite the deeply intentional work I’ve put into my own healing process and spiritual evolution (which society cares very little about – they’d rather just see our tits, even if they’re sagging).   I still have days when the fear of aging takes me under its current and spits me back out onto its banks, believing that my aging is rapidly increasing my unworthiness and that soon, when it’s all gone for good, no one in this world will love me anymore.  No one…not even God.   

And this isn’t something most women want to admit for fear of appearing weak or superficial . But I already know I’m not alone here. That collective censorship only compounds our self-criticism and disempowerment. So it feels important to shine a light on it.

How does this happen?  How deep the programming must go and how hard the campaign must run in order to weave and secure such lies into the hearts and minds of  powerful, talented, smart and spiritual women.  And then I think about my daughters, their friends and their friends’ friends and so forth.  

What this naive man was particularly careless about was the seriously damaging impact his comment could have on those bearing witness to it. Especially the impact on young women and girls who are already constantly ignored for their truest and finest gifts on account of being watered down for aesthetic purposes so that cancers like him can remain comfortable in their smallness and cruelty.  

I believe we’ve had just about enough of this smallness in humanity on both sides.

As if the 20 year old version of me didn’t struggle enough with eating disorders and horrible body image (despite the fact that I was a lean and toned gym rat), I’ve since watched this suffering in so many women and girls I love and admire.  Including one of my beloved daughters, who developed a deadly drug addiction in part because she thought using opioids could help her already small body become smaller. And the drugs definitely helped her not to feel the pain of constantly being shown she was not enough by a society who has no interest in her soul’s purpose.  

Her sister may appear to many as stronger and less impacted by this type of shallow cruelty, but do not let her rough edges fool you.  Those edges are actually walls that will take her a lifetime to tear down and bullies like “Dick” played a huge role in helping to build them.  

Unfortunately, it will be her alone who will bear the burden of spending a lifetime learning to tear those walls down if she wants to have a healthy relationship with herself and others and she is brave enough to do that work.  But not without forever bearing the scars of the word “FAT” that she carved deep into the front of her thigh, along with many other telling scars, before most girls were even developed enough to wear a bra.

If his comment were just about me, it wouldn’t even be worth writing about it or mentioning to anyone.  I need no one to point out the flaws of my aging body.  I am well aware of them…and the ones that do not even exist that I and most women and girls tend to see in ourselves anyway.  We know all about body shame, no matter what shape our. bodies are in.

At the same time, I can also recognize what is wonderful about my body.  On most days, I’m pretty happy with myself.  I’ve taken good care of myself and I don’t intend to ever stop.  My body is healthy and strong enough to do tasks that lots of people half my age cannot do with the same energy.  My body gives me immense sources of pleasure that make being a human a beautiful thing (and being a container for pleasure is another super power that society shames women for but that’s a whole different conversation).  My body and I have been a lot of places and had a lot of experiences that have created the person I am now and I wouldn’t trade my life or my body for anything.  

And no, my body isn’t what it used to be. I have days when I feel those little waves of grief that stem from a certain version of myself.  That version was used to turning heads and feeling physically attractive and she doesn’t want to let go of the power, fun and confidence (albeit often false) that her appearance afforded her.  

Fortunately, the guru, the mother, the wise crone and the warrior archetypes that live inside of me know how to take this grieving version of myself by the hand and lead her back to the truth of what legendary beauty is all about.  There will always be walls to tear down.  And then new ones will take their place.  There will always be work to do around our self-worth and lovability.  

And there will always be Dicks out there who have their own work to do.  And thank God for them.  Because we will have days when we need outside inspiration to go deep within our hearts and dig up the beauty that feels hidden to the rest of the world. 

That beauty is there whether anyone else sees it or not.  All that matters is that YOU see that legendary beauty that ONLY YOU possess.  When you see it and know it for what it is, you can’t help but see it in others (even the Dicks of the world) and you become a mirror for everyone around you to recognize their own versions of beauty in themselves.  

So for everyone’s sake, especially your own, please don’t be a Dick when you can be a mirror of legendary beauty.