Drey celebrated 6 months of sobriety this week!!!!! Many of you may not know that she relapsed back in the Fall. It was pretty bad (you’ll have to wait for book #2 for that story) but I am grateful that, by the time I learned about it, her family immediately rallied on her behalf and stepped in. She was suddenly confronted by the love of her parents, her sister and her boyfriend and my boyfriend all showing up with varying versions of support.
The moment she saw me, she fell into my arms, sobbing “Mom, I’m in so much pain.”
She did not hesitate to accept our invitation to take her back to rehab to start over. I can’t say what I would’ve done if she hadn’t been willing to go. Would I have muscled her into the car and rode off into the distance with her, despite any unwillingness in order to remove her from danger? Maybe…..Probably. But even then, I would have no control over whether or not she would choose to run right back into the pit of Hell. We have no say-so in what anyone else’s healing process looks like or how far down the slope to rock bottom their pain threshold may reach.
Thankfully, I didn’t have to face that scenario. But many people who love someone with an addiction do. So this next part may seem easy for me to say but it doesn’t make it any less true or sincere from where I’m standing right now.
As part of her recovery and AA/NA step-work (Step 12), those in recovery are required to make amends to those they have hurt through their addiction. Not only does this help mend broken relationships and rebuild trust, but it instills personal accountability, which is vital to a person’s recovery. I get it and I loved that she was acknowledging these things for herself so that she can see that her actions can hurt others. That is important and I didn’t want to take that from her.
Her apology was tearfully sincere and she even apologized for the struggles we went through together when she was in middle school and high school. Those were challenging days when I found myself combing the neighborhood and reigning terror on her friends trying to locate her sneaky little ass when she would make attempt after attempt to escape the intense pain she was in while having little to no tools to navigate that pain.
As she went on, I could see that the picture in my head looked a little different than the one in hers. I saw where this whole thing began and how it grew like a hungry parasite into a full blown life-threatening disease. She was still a child at the time and she was crying out for help. Her father and I didn’t always know how to help her and we were navigating our own painful experiences that aided in our blindness.
And even now, at 23, her young brain still isn’t even fully developed enough for optimal emotional regulation and decision-making. That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t or cannot take responsibility for herself…but it does mean she wasn’t responsible for 100 percent of the “blame.” And why does there often need to be a person or thing to blame anyway? What does that serve? Blame is one thing. Responsibility is another.
As in most cases, that responsibility can be divided up among many. It doesn’t rest solely on her. Her father and I can shoulder some of that, as well what our divorce served up to her and her sister. Other well-meaning authority figures added to that – figures who thought they were helping by adding on unreasonable pressures for academic perfection and the pressure to have her education, career and life goals figured out by middle school. And then there’s the impossible beauty standards brought to you by various forms of media…..you get the idea.
These were all contributing factors that can hopefully offer some valuable data for all of us as we move forward on our own path of evolution. And it serves no one to use that data as a tool of shame or blame. Taking responsibility is a very different thing.
So, I felt it necessary to remind my child that I was proud of her accountability….AND…that her addiction required no apology from my point of view. I reminded her that, my decision to become a parent was rooted in a deep desire to experience love as I had never experienced it before. I wanted to know what it is to love someone so much that even being shattered by them would be a win for having had them in my life.
I didn’t decide to bring a child into the world to validate me, to boost my ego, to take care of me later in life or to live vicariously through them. I am here in this realm for the love and the lessons and I’m no straight A student in this process but I’m giving it my all and I’m learning more than I ever would have without these 2 fascinating humans I get to call daughter. What they have given me through ALL of it is priceless and I wouldn’t trade one second of it.
One of the most impactful quotes I have ever heard was from an anonymous source that I have tried to live by ever since:
“Question: What do I get from loving you? Answer: Loving you.”
So yeah….I would traverse those relentless waters all over again with both of my daughters (but I hope to God I don’t have to) . And I have no clue what may lie ahead for us, but I know that I am here for it, whatever it is. They owe me nothing.
Their worthiness stands alone. It never had to be earned, nor will it. It doesn’t mean I don’t love myself or that I would allow them to treat me poorly or with disrespect, etc. I love them and myself too much to do that either.
It just means that I already received the reward the moment they came into this world. There is nothing one can do to add to that or take away from it.
I am celebrating Drey’s 6-months of being clean with much gratitude and pride. Her sister will have 2 years clean next month. They are doing the most important work anyone can do and that work can be very messy and easy to mistake for something less than miraculous. Every step is progress. And I’m all in for whatever steps are ahead.
